Building "A House of Order"-- Recap of our February Quarterly RS Activity! Part 1

On February 11, we met as Relief Society sisters to learn and discuss ways in which to create a more peaceful, orderly home. Margie gave a wonderful lesson including counsel and guidance from church leaders about how organization, order, routines, provident living, and living within our financial means all work together to create a more spiritual, peaceful home. When we examine these aspects of our lives, we can see how the temporal and spiritual are intertwined and greatly influence the other. As we strive to seek Heavenly Father's help and follow counsel provide by church leaders, we can have homes that serve as our own temple and refuge from the outside world. 

Sisters shared great input and thoughts, including the need to be flexible and embrace the disorder and chaos that is bound to happen while children are young and growing--as this shows the joy and happiness that children bring to our homes and lives! Children can learn from parents what it means to create order in our homes, and there are great teaching moments in daily living that will help prepare children for creating their own house of order some day.

Lastly, we were reminded not to be so hard on ourselves!! We do the best we can do---and that's all we can do! We can be a little better and try a little harder each day. As we trust in Heavenly Father and rely on Him, we will be able to achieve the balance we need to create the type of home we would like to have. As we put our own lives in order, we will then have more opportunities and greater means to reach out, serve, and help those around us. Having a peaceful, Christ-centered home will lead us to want to help others have the same experience!

Here are tips from our very own sisters--ways that can help us have more organized, orderly homes. Thanks for sharing!!

“A House of Order”

Organizational Tips From VF1 Relief Society Sisters

Trudy Cook

Since I first got married, 53 years ago this August, I have made tentative menus, meal planners for a week, month or whatever.  It was usually based on how we were paid.  It was a way of knowing what we were going to eat.  For seven days, I might say:  beef, fish, chicken, pork, no meat, lamb  optional.  I did this because, just starting out, it was overwhelming to figure out what to cook.  Then I'd make a meal plan, and my shopping list was generated by the recipes I would cook.  It took all the craziness out of what  we were going to eat.  It included breakfast, lunch, dinner.  Once you get the hang of it,  it doesn't take long and it saves on trips to the store and makes cooking easier.  It is quite cost effective, as you only buy what you need.  It saves lots of time in and out of the kitchen. I used the word tentative, because I never had to cook a meal.  If I didn't want to cook, I didn't, but I was always prepared.  I think it helped me to learn to like to cook.

Kim Wilson

1. De-clutter -  I've learned that the easiest way to keep a clean house is to get rid of things.  I didn't realize it, but every item I owned took a little bit of my time.  I recently went through a giant purge and got rid of 8 bags of items I never use in my kitchen.  I had so much more space, and I haven't missed any of it in 8 months.  Next, I went through the games.  I noticed after I got rid of half of them, my kids actually played with the games we had a lot more.  I guess having so many stuffed in the closet was overwhelming to them, so the simplicity actually helped them play with them more.  Last, I went through the toys.  I had the kids pick their absolute favorites, then, I got rid of 5 bags of toys.  Once again, my kids started playing with the toys more and didn't miss any of the ones we got rid of.  I was shocked.  After these three things, the time I spent cleaning each week was cut down by half!

 2. Christmas every 3 months - I have another friend who takes out one box of toys at a time, then every 3 months or so, she puts them away and pulls out another box.  It makes it exciting for the kids to get new toys to play with and there is so much less to clean up.

 3. The miracle cure to laundry - Our current apartment is a little small for our family, so out of necessity I had to put the kid’s dressers with their clothes in the basement.  (I thought about doing this in the past, so I'm glad I've finally been able to test it out).  I can't believe how much easier it has made my life.  Their rooms stay clean for one (which is a miracle), their clothes are all right next to the washing machine so it's easy to throw them in, and after they are washed, they sort out their own clothes and put them directly in their drawers.  No transporting, folding, transporting, and then putting away.  I finally feel like laundry isn't taking over my life!

Patty Cabot

In terms of organization tips, I have become a list master to try and tackle those crazy things that seem to linger and never get done. I make a few kinds of lists of things to do, e.g.house projects, travel plans, etc. I have my regular weekly planner. In that I put things that must be done at the start of each week.  Then I take a look at my other lists of things that would be nice to get done someday and see which if any I can fit in during that week. This helps me to prioritize. Even one check, each week, off the lingering list helps

Sheryl  Jackson

- I put socks divided by color or white in a linen/mesh bag that zips shut so I never lose a sock.

- Don't let clean dishes sit in the dishwasher over night.

- Put baking soda in the bottom of the trash can (just a little) and change it about every 3 to 6 months. Pour it down the sink to help with the drain smell

- soak dress shirts in the washer with water and oxi clean powder for 1 to 3 hours before washing to get out sweat stains on neck and sleeve cuffs, then drain and wash as you normally would

- drink a glass of water before you eat a meal

Deb Chiapelli

Attached is a picture of something that has made my life easier this year. It is a file I keep on my kitchen counter to take care of paper clutter/mail. I file it right away so I don't have piles of paper sitting around. Then, I can go back and go through it, when I have time. I think you can see some of my categories. In addition to the ones you can see, I have a folder for Bob, me, and the pets.

Sarah Kinghorn

Here are a couple of things that work for me when I do them. The operative word here is WHEN.

a) Wake up and get ready before the kids are up. The days where I am able to read my scriptures (even for a few minutes), make my bed, get dressed, etc. go a lot smoother than when I don't.

b) Meal planning - I've tried to do monthly, but weekly seems to get done more often. It's nice to know what you're going to be having for dinner before 5 p.m. ;)

Also, in this vein I've started making dishes and freezing half of them for another time. Prep work is done for 2 meals. Yeah baby!

c) Planning at night for the next day. I usually just jot down what I want to accomplish - phone calls, errands, chores, etc.

d) I just started exercising again on November 1st. I've found that my day goes smoother if I go straight to the gym after getting Lucy and Andrew on the bus in the morning.

Owenna Nagy

I can't allow myself to leave the house in the morning until one load of wash is in.  What is most helpful for me is to broadly sketch out the week.  If I know what day I will take care of "X", then I don't have to stress over it today.  Then I simply make a To Do list for the day, in broad order of priority.  The list helps me take advantage of "butterfly moments", which otherwise would flutter by with nothing accomplished.

Donna Kneeland

To keep my cooking to a minimum I ask for restaurant gift cards for birthday, Mother’s Day, Valentine’s Day, Christmas, even resorted to Grandparents Day so the cards keep comin’ in so I can keep eatin’ out.

Chris Terrell

I keep a lot of files for different things and I label the outside so I know what is inside when I pick them up.

Devon Linn

We try to give things away if we haven't used them/worn them in one full year (so I get out all my favorite platters once a year to keep them safe).

Each of the kids has a cute, labeled bin that they put their papers from school in. I sort through them about once a week so that at the end of the year only the "favorites" can be kept and put in their school memory books.

I make the kids update their own school memory books for each year on the last day of school. (Not homemade book, store-bought ones that ask questions and have spots for pictures and things).

Label-maker, label-maker, label-maker! It is definitely one of my favorite possessions, and labels on things help tons once everyone in your house can read them because who doesn't like to put things in the place with the label?

Liz Latey

Have separate tote bags packed the night before for your next day's activities. (Bag for gym, bag for kids during doctor appointment, bag for library trip, bag for kids’ sport activity etc). Line up the bags in one central location, so you can grab and go when things are hectic. This helps you mentally go through what you need the next day, as well as gives you time to prevent last minute "emergencies" like an unwashed uniform b/c you've prepared ahead of time.

Crockpots are your best friend, when you've got a busy day--saves you time & money ... and helps your family eat healthier than fast food on the run!

Katie Price

Always do the dishes before bed.

I always grocery shop on Mondays and make it last the week, writing a complete grocery list before I go.

I make our lunches the night before.

Jill Fulop

I have all the kids’ lunches, outfits, outerwear, shoes, backpacks, hairbrushes, squirt bottles, aquaphor for chapped lips, tooth brushes and paste ready at night, so when I wake up in the morning, all I have to do is pop a few fridge items (already prepped), in their bags and make sure they get dressed at the right time (gather up outfit, shoes and outerwear from their individual pile). Usually, I have quite a leisurely morning with no stress. They eat, brush teeth, get dressed, grab backpacks and are out the door.

Ellen King

The thing that's currently helping me the most is having groceries delivered. We use the app Peapod, (which orders from Giant), to build our grocery list. Then we schedule delivery, in a range of hours on a certain day. We have until midnight the day before to add to the list. They app remembers each order and can build a list for us. You can sort by "aisle", lowest price, price per unit or by ingredient like gluten-free. Wade loves this because he can get what he wants when he needs it instead of waiting for me to get to the store. There is a small delivery fee (free for the first 90 days) and we include a driver tip with the order. It's so convenient.

Vermena Lee

Each day I have an assigned chore, i.e. M/W/F laundry, Tue grocery shopping, Thu clean master bath, F wash kitchen floor

2013 I printed out a 12 month calendar and wrote down dinner menus (I go shopping by my menu) and this year I’m using it. So I have a year’s worth of dinners.

Margie Clark

A wise woman once told me, “Never pick up something twice.  When you pick something up, put it where it belongs”.

Laundry – Fold each load as it comes out of the dryer.  Then, the clothes don’t pile up to an overwhelming mound.

~~Stay tuned for following posts including the Budgeting Info and Freezer Meal recipe used during our activity!~~

Lesson: When loved ones let go of "the iron rod"

 

Devon taught a good lesson on what we do when others don't accept our invitation to come to Christ, are numbered among the lost sheep or let go of the iron rod. Whatever metaphor makes sense to you for your situation, these ideas may help.

Devon's young son shared what he learned in Primary recently and the conversation went something like this.

He showed her a picture of a sheep.

When she asked what it meant he said, "We are all sheep!"

"And what happened to the sheep?"

"They were lost."

"Who is the shepherd?"

"Jesus"

"And what will he do?"

"He will find us!"

And He will! But we are asked to help "feed my sheep".

Mists of darkness

In another familiar story we feel with Lehi in his dream of the Tree of Life the heartache of seeing a family member get lost in the mists of darkness or let go the iron rod that leads to the fruit or love of God, that is "precious above all".
 
What are the mists of darkness generally? Nephi tells us in 1 Nephi 12:17,

And the mists of darkness are the temptations of the devil, which blindeth the eyes, and hardeneth the hearts of the children of men, and leadeth them away into broad roads, that they perish and are lost.

What are some "mists of darkness" in our day?

Philosophies of men, anti-mormon information especially on the internet, hurt feelings, hang-ups, doubts and unanswered questions, mental illness, time/schedules, just drifting away, abuse, crime, drugs, TV, pornography, social media, music, feelings of inadequacies, guilt, insecurities, individual personalities.

It's quite a range of distractions and out-and-out evil that we and our loved ones can choose.

The point is we don't need to judge. We often don't know what is going on in someone's life that causes or effects the decisions they make.

What should we do instead? Just love them.

What we can do

Elder Holland in a talk titled "Because She Is a Mother" encourages us as parents of wayward children:

President Joseph F. Smith pled, “Oh! God, let me not lose my own.” ⁸ That is every parent’s cry, and in it is something of every parent’s fear. But no one has failed who keeps trying and keeps praying. You have every right to receive encouragement and to know in the end your children will call your name blessed, just like those generations of foremothers before you who hoped your same hopes and felt your same fears.

What do you do, or have seen others do when worry or grief for our friends and family overcome us? What can we do to help ourselves and them?

• Respect their agency
• Turn to God, turn them over to Him
• Remember that they were God's before they were ours and He knows them best
• Show unconditional love
• Resist judging
• Absolve ourselves of guilt
• Take care of yourselves first
• Never give up hope
• Understand that temple covenants and promises will be fulfilled
• Bear testimony in unconventional ways
• Know that it's okay to grieve
• Remember that the atonement can heal you and them

We also need to trust that the Good Shepherd knows his sheep. And He will find them.

John K. Carmack in an excellent conference talk titled When Our Children Go Astray seeks to comfort and gives very practical steps we can take. [Well worth reading again!]. He reminds us:

In 1929 Elder Orson F. Whitney of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said: 

“You parents of the wilful and the wayward! Don’t give them up. Don’t cast them off. They are not utterly lost. The Shepherd will find his sheep. They were his before they were yours—long before he entrusted them to your care; and you cannot begin to love them as he loves them. They have but strayed in ignorance from the Path of Right, and God is merciful to ignorance. Only the fulness of knowledge brings the fulness of accountability. Our Heavenly Father is far more merciful, infinitely more charitable, than even the best of his servants, and the Everlasting Gospel is mightier in power to save than our narrow finite minds can comprehend” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1929, 110).

Don't give up. Don't cast them off
Heavenly Father is far more merciful...and mightier to save than we.

So yes, Maddox, He will find us, all of us!

e

Our Harvest Feast: Resources

Sarah Kinghorn:
Thank you for planning Tuesday's activity. I can tell that a lot of work went into the evening. It was wonderful. Great job! Love, Sarah

Here are the handouts for you to download for yourself and your family. They were found on becominglds.blogspot.com

1 Nephi 3:7 Memory Scripture
2 Nephi 32:3 Memory Scripture
Book of Mormon Scripture songs
Book of Mormon Stories
Child's Scripture Study Chart
Daily Chart
Scripture Chart
Gospel Art Kit Scriptures
Scripture Chart Color

Debbie Horton:
Hello all!  This is the link to the Book of Mormon curriculum that I mentioned at the RS activity.  I have purchased the version for 4-7 graders and if you would like to see it, let me know and I will bring it to church. Debbie
www.discoverthescriptures.com

Anyone have any photos from the evening? I'd love to post them.

e

Owenna's Stake Conference Talk

If you weren't able to attend Stake Conference this last weekend, Owenna was kind enough to send me her talk to share with you.  It was wonderful (of course!) and I'm so glad she is letting me put it on the blog to share with everyone.  Enjoy!  Devon

PUT YOUR OWN HOUSE IN ORDER

Given by Owenna Nagy

Valley Forge Pennsylvania Stake Conference 9/11/2011

As the reality of a temple in Phila. gets closer, we’re all feeling something different. Many have great plans for being able to increase their temple work. Others who hold temple recommends but who haven’t been in a very long time, for a variety of reasons, are sorting out whether distance was really the main obstacle or not. Others are eagerly working toward qualifying for their very first recommend so that they can stand in that holy place. And still others with perhaps only a minimal understanding of temples, frankly aren’t sure what all the buzz is about, and wonder if it will ever have anything to do with them.

I would like to share some things I personally have learned along the way as my own testimony of the temple has developed.

When I was in my late 20s, early 30s, I was facing a number of problems that so far exceeded my coping skills that I was drowning. We had six children (four birth children, plus a niece and nephew whom we were raising) living in a cramped upstairs apt. while my husband was grinding away to complete his Ph.D. In addition to grad. student poverty, and the challenges of raising a blended family, a black cloud of depression and doubt hung over everything. I was burdened by all these things that I thought were somehow my own failures, and I felt it was my duty to fix everything. I begged for help through prayer and fasting, but so far as I could tell I was on my own. This went on for a couple of years. One morning in prayer, the following thought was spoken into my mind with great power, “first put your own house in order.”

This was scarcely the answer I expected since I was looking for help fixing everyone else. The interpretation of this admonition has expanded line upon line in the intervening years, until it has become a powerful part of my way of thinking.

My immediate understanding of “put your own house in order” was that my emphasis should be my personal repentance, nor everyone else’s. My response to everyone else should be to give loving encouragement, not to try to “lovingly” “make” them do what I knew they should. I learned that the more you treat others lovingly, the more you ease the way for them to learn from the Spirit. Put your own house in order is not the same thing as saying ignore the family’s problems and just think about yourself, but more like the Lord saying “you’re of more use to me as a loving example than as a nag.”

Yet another time, “put your own house in order” came to mind to encourage me to put as much care into preparing FHE for my family as into preparing a lesson for church.

Another time “put your own house in order” was used to make me aware that my heavy involvement in a community action group, which had been right for a season, now needed to be set aside to attend to matters at home.

There was a period of several years when I didn’t go to the temple because my attendance had become a source of tension in the home. First put your own house in order came to my mind giving me permission to step back for a season and nurture my family. After the passage of a five years, that very same phrase let me know that it was time for me to resume temple attendance.

But the most powerful use of this scripture came to me in a most unexpected way several years later. I was (still) in anguish over the spiritual welfare of my family. We were dealing with some rather severe problems at home, and I really felt like the ship was going down. This phrase came to me at this time with an entirely different meaning. It was the house of my eternal extended family that I needed to help put in order through family history and temple work. The connection between help with family problems and temple work was that I needed to get the whole team on the case – not just people on this side of the veil. There were relatives on the other side who would be freed to help my family if they were brought into the gospel through vicarious baptism and temple ordinances. This connection between temple work and calling on the powers of heaven for my earthly family had been quite lost on me before.

Some time later I came across Bishop Vaughan Featherstone’s promise that “if we will faithfully attend to our temple work, unseen angels will watch over our children,” confirming what the Spirit was teaching me. It is the great principle of vicarious work on which so much of the work in temples is based. I was familiar with the principle that “they without us and we without them cannot be made perfect”, but had applied it only to me helping them with work for the dead, not to my ancestors to whom I have been sealed in the temple helping my family here.

In the dedicatory prayer for the Kirtland Temple, Joseph Smith prayed that “no combination of wickedness shall have power to rise up and prevail over thy people upon whom thy name shall be put in this house.”

Few of my family’s challenges have miraculously gone away. But the hope I live with has been dramatically changed, as I have tried in my own weak way to put my own eternal house in order. I’m such a back slider, and too often I don’t continue as I commence, and there are many distractions in life. But my peace is wrapped up in the Joseph Smith’s promise that “When a seal is put upon the father and mother, it secures their posterity, so that they cannot be lost, but will be saved by virtue of the covenant of their father and mother.” (Teachings PJS, 320-32)

This is why I count myself among those who love going to the temple. Do not doubt that the blessings of the temple are for everyone, after the proper preparation has been made. Why should we doubt ourselves? We were born at this time to be a temple worthy, covenant keeping people. Each of us – sent here at this time to be a light to our families and those around us.
 
The Lord watches over us all, whether we have been to the temple or not. Our names are written on His palm. But He calls us all to come closer, to claim the crowning blessings of the temple.
 

-Owenna

Lesson: Family Responsibilities

Gospel Principles 37 Family Responsibilities
Taught by Sarah Kinghorn

Each person has an important place in his or her family. 

Through prophets the Lord has explained how fathers, mothers, and children should behave and feel toward one another. As husbands, wives, and children, we need to learn what the Lord expects us to do to fulfill our purpose as a family. If we all do our part, we will be united eternally.

In the Worldwide Leadership Training Meeting: Building Up a Righteous Posterity, February 9, 2008
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, in Patterns and Replicas says,

Now, I hope this helps you understand why we talk about the pattern, the ideal, of marriage and family when we know full well that not everyone now lives in that ideal circumstance. It is precisely because many don’t have, or perhaps have never even seen, that ideal and because some cultural forces steadily move us away from that ideal, that we speak about what our Father in Heaven wishes for us in His eternal plan for His children.

Individual adaptations have to be made as marital status and family circumstances differ. But all of us can agree on the pattern as it comes from God, and we can strive for its realization the best way we can.

In the sacred responsibilities of parenthood, “fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners” (“The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” Ensign, Nov. 1995, 102). They should work together to provide for the spiritual, emotional, intellectual, and physical needs of the family.
Some responsibilities must be shared by the husband and the wife. Parents should teach their children the gospel.

How can we teach our children the gospel?

Watch with All Perseverance
Elder Bednar, April 2010 Watching with All Perseverance:

This early warning system applies to children of all ages and contains three basic components: (1) reading and talking about the Book of Mormon with your children, (2) bearing testimony of gospel truths spontaneously with your children, and (3) inviting children as gospel learners to act and not merely be acted upon. Parents who do these things faithfully will be blessed to recognize early signals of spiritual growth in or challenges with their children and be better prepared to receive inspiration to strengthen and help those children.  

Parents should be vigilant and spiritually attentive to spontaneously occurring opportunities to bear testimony to their children. Such occasions need not be programmed, scheduled, or scripted. In fact, the less regimented such testimony sharing is, the greater the likelihood for edification and lasting impact.

For example, a naturally occurring family conversation at dinner may be the perfect setting for a parent to recount and testify of specific blessings he or she received during the course of relatively routine activities that day. And a testimony need not always begin with the phrase “I bear you my testimony.” Our witness can be declared as simply as “I know I was blessed with inspiration at work today” or “The truth in this scripture always has been a powerful source of direction for me.” Similar opportunities to bear testimony also can arise while traveling together in a car or bus or in a multitude of other settings.

One of the best ways parents can teach their children is by example. 

Husbands and wives should show love and respect for each other and for their children by both actions and words. It is important to remember that each member of the family is a child of God. Parents should treat their children with love and respect, being firm but kind to them.

Parents should understand that sometimes children will make wrong choices even after they have been taught the truth. When this happens, parents should not give up. They should continue to teach their children, to express love for them, to be good examples to them, and to fast and pray for them.

President Boyd K. Packer, Our Moral Environment, May 1992:

The measure of our success as parents…will not rest solely on how our children turn out. That judgment would be just only if we could raise our families in a perfectly moral environment. And that now is not possible. …When parents keep covenants they have made at the altar of the temple, their children will be forever bound to them.

How can husbands and wives support each other in their roles?

Single parenting
I contacted a few of my friends who are single parents or who have been in the past and the response to the question “where can single parents turn for support” was tremendous. I would like to share some of their thoughts with you.

Single parents can turn to the sisters in the ward, visiting teachers and home teachers for support.

“As far as support as a single parent, it was mainly through the sisters in the ward/branch. My family wasn’t supportive, and my friends were few and far between. My visiting teachers made sure I was well informed of activities and socials that brought me closer to the kind of environment that I needed to have…I tried to attend as much of that as I could so that I could talk with other mothers and see what child-rearing techniques were useful, what daycares were the best, etc.”

How can we support single parents?

1. Be understanding

“The hardest thing for me to do was to go to church on Sunday. I would walk in and feel like the whole congregation turned and scoffed. To me, that was the biggest slap in the face I could have received. I thought, if these people are living the gospel like they are supposed to, they would not make a big deal out of it. Instead of being self-righteous, maybe they could have been more open to being more understanding and supportive?”

2. Offer specific help

“When it comes to single parents, no matter why they are single – never married, divorced, widowed, a deployment, whatever – they want you to show them that you care.”

It is best to offer specific help or ask specifically what you can do. For one of my friends the young men came over and mowed her lawn the first summer after her divorce. She said it was a nice thought but something she had been doing and didn’t need help with. “When they are mowing my lawn every week I feel bad asking for other things that I really do need.”

3. Be inclusive

“I guess I just do feel like I could use more support from the ward, mostly in the socialization area. People actually could still have me and my kids over with their family for dinner or a get together, but it’s like they think we don’t want to be around a family with a dad since we don’t have one.”

“It is hard to explain to someone what it is like to sit at home with your kids during a holiday meal, just the three of you, then later show up at church and hear multiple people tell you how they would have invited you over but they thought someone else had invited you, and in the end no one did.”

4. Help make the priesthood available to the family

“…even if it means sacrificing your husband so he can run an errand or help with a single sister’s to-do list, or just encourage him to be a better home teacher and offer blessings to the family."

“President Hinckley’s words of encouragement and love fill my heart with hope and eyes with tears every time I read this to this day."

For you who are single parents, I say that many hands stand ready to help you. The Lord is not unmindful of you. Neither is His Church.

May He bless you, my beloved sisters who find yourselves in the situation of single parenthood. May you have health, strength, vitality to carry the heavy burden that is yours. May you have loving friends and associates to bear you up in your times of trial.  You know the power of prayer as perhaps few others do. Many of you spend much time on your knees speaking with your Father in Heaven, with tears running down your cheeks.  Please know that we also pray for you.

With all that you have to do, you are also asked to serve in the Church. Your bishop will not ask you to do anything that is beyond your capacity. And as you so serve, a new dimension will be added to your life. You will find new and stimulating associations. You will find friendship and sociality. You will grow in knowledge and understanding and wisdom, and in your capacity to do. You will become a better mother because of the service you give in the work of the Lord.

Fathers

By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families.

A worthy father who is a member of the Church has the opportunity to hold the priesthood, making him the priesthood leader of his family.

The father shares the blessings of the priesthood with the members of his family. When a man holds the Melchizedek Priesthood, he can share these blessings by administering to the sick and giving special priesthood blessings. Under the direction of a presiding priesthood leader, he can bless babies, baptize, confirm, and perform priesthood ordinations. He should set a good example for his family by keeping the commandments. He should also make sure the family prays together twice daily and holds family home evening.

The father should spend time with each child individually. He should teach his children correct principles, talk with them about their problems and concerns, and counsel them lovingly.

M. Russell Ballard, Fathers and Sons: A Remarkable Relationship, Ensign, Nov 2009, 47–50:

Find your own best way to connect. Some fathers like to take their sons fishing or to a sporting event. Others like to go on a quiet drive or work side by side in the yard. Some find their sons enjoy conversations at night just before going to bed. Do whatever works best for you. Where or when this happens isn’t nearly as important as the fact that it happens.

What positive examples have you seen of fathers raising their children? 

Mothers

President David O. McKay said that motherhood is the noblest calling. It is a sacred calling, a partnership with God in bringing His spirit children into the world. Bearing children is one of the greatest of all blessings. If there is no father in the home, the mother presides over the family.

President Boyd K. Packer praised women who were unable to have children of their own yet sought to care for others. He said:

When I speak of mothers, I speak not only of those women who have borne children, but also of those who have fostered children born to others, and of the many women who, without children of their own, have mothered the children of others.

My own mother could not have children of her own for many years. This caused a great deal of heartache. Despite the grief she felt, she was still able to mother the children of others through friends' children and callings in Primary and Young Women. I was adopted after 9 years of infertility and my sister was adopted almost 2 years later.

Latter-day prophets have taught, “Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.”

A mother needs to spend time with her children and teach them the gospel. She should play and work with them so they can discover the world around them. She also needs to help her family know how to make the home a pleasant place to be. If she is warm and loving, she helps her children feel good about themselves.

What positive examples have you seen of mothers raising their children?

Children
Children share with their parents the responsibilities of building a happy home. They should obey the commandments and cooperate with other family members. The Lord is not pleased when children quarrel (see Mosiah 4:14).

What did your parents do that led you to honor and respect them?

What are some traditions and practices that can make home a happy place?

A loving and happy family does not happen by accident. Each person in the family must do his or her part. The Lord has given responsibilities to both parents and children. The scriptures teach that we must be thoughtful, cheerful, and considerate of others. When we speak, pray, sing, or work together, we can enjoy the blessings of harmony in our families. (See Colossians 3.)

Lesson: Eternal Families

The Family Can Be Eternal, Lesson 36, Gospel Principles, by Debbie Horton

Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God. … The family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children
(The Family: A Proclamation to the World Ensign, Nov. 1995, 102).

After Heavenly Father brought Adam and Eve together in marriage, He commanded them to have children.

He has revealed that one of the purposes of marriage is to provide mortal bodies for His spirit children. Parents are partners with our Heavenly Father. He wants each of His spirit children to receive a physical body and to experience earth life. When a man and a woman bring children into this world, they help our Heavenly Father carry out His plan.

At home, with our families, we can learn self-control, sacrifice, loyalty, and the value of work. We can learn to love, to share, and to serve one another.

Fathers and mothers are responsible to teach their children about Heavenly Father. They should show by example that they love Him because they keep His commandments. Parents should also teach their children to pray and to obey the commandments (see Proverbs 22:6).

Do any of us have the ideal family?

What of those families where a parent is missing or those who don't have children. How can we support one another in our various situations?

These were some of the responses that the sisters gave.

• Don't make others feel as though not having children is second class. Be sensitive.
• Choose to mother the children around you...in the ward, in your extended families, in the neighborhood. Your influence is much needed and welcomed.
• Remember that Eve was called the mother of all living before she had one child. It is an important role whether or not we have children. The desire to have a child was planted in us from the beginning.
• Contribute to the world in ways that others with children may not be able to, given their circumstances.
• Consider adoption. (a plug from Debbie)
• Understand that we speak here of the ideal. We should be striving to fulfill this ideal in the ways that we are able and leave the rest to faith.
• No matter what the difficulty in our family, turn to the Savior and walk with him and he will support you.
• Give gratitude to God in whatever circumstance we find ourselves for the way things are at this moment. Learn, grow,  participate in the life you've been given, and trust God.

What can we do to counter how the world looks at families, with our youth?

• Examples are powerful. Look to parents, extended family ward members for how to be a good parent.
• Attend church together, don't allow fighting, actively teach your children.
• Take the Proclamation on the Family and teach it line by line, each week.
• Exhibit your commitment to families and share your testimony of the importance of families.
• Teach your children the whole plan of salvation so they can see themselves in the big picture.
• Stay involved with extended family.
• Choose to end any practices of neglect or abuse in your family line.

What does harmony in the home look like? Sound like? Feel like?

Mosiah 4:14-15:

And ye will not suffer your children that they go hungry, or naked; neither will ye suffer that they transgress the laws of God, and fight and quarrel one with another, and serve the devil, who is the master of sin, or who is the evil spirit which hath been spoken of by our fathers, he being an enemy to all righteousness.

But ye will teach them to walk in the ways of truth and soberness; ye will teach them to love one another, and to serve one another.

How to have a successful family

All of us want to have happy, successful families. Debbie asked us to look at this list and circle one or two of these that you are doing okay with and pat ourselves on the back. Now choose the one that the Spirit whispers you can do better at. Make it a goal to improve this week.

1. Have family prayer every night and morning (see 3 Nephi 18:21). Pray together as husband and wife.
2. Teach children the gospel every week in family home evening.
3. Study the scriptures regularly as a family.
4. Do things together as a family, such as work projects, outings, and decision making.
5. Learn to be kind, patient, long-suffering, and charitable (see Moroni 7:45–48).
6. Attend Church meetings regularly (see D&C 59:9–10).
7. Follow the counsel of the Lord in D&C 88:119: “Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing; and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God.”
8. Keep a family history, perform temple work together, and receive the sealing ordinances of the temple.

The family is the most important unit in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The Church exists to help families gain eternal blessings and exaltation. The organizations and programs within the Church are designed to strengthen us individually and help us live as families forever.

President David O. McKay said, 

With all my heart I believe that the best place to prepare for … eternal life is in the home
(“Blueprint for Family Living,” Improvement Era, Apr. 1963, 252).

e

References:
The Proclamation
The Church Handbook: Families and Church in God's Plan

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Family Work

Oh, what do you do in the summertime, when all the world is green?

Those of you who are currently with young ones at home and out of school, your answer might be like mine….trying to be patient, loving, and to keep the TV/media stuff off for as long as possible!

One thing that I have really been pushing this summer is to teach my children how to work, and there are days that it just does not go over well around here. I have been baffled at how my children can become so lazy & whiny the moment I mention it’s time to work on their chores. Honestly, I was at a complete loss and had turned to the Lord for some major help in the patience department when Owenna e-mailed me an article she had been telling me about that her sister Kathleen (who is a professor...) wrote for BYU Magazine.

The Article is entitled, “Family Work,” and gave me a lot of food for thought. In the article, Kathleen Slaugh Bahr discusses the differences between her childhood growing up working TOGETHER with her family, and the ways that we now try to make our children work. She states:

People who see the value of family work only in terms of the economic value of processes that yield measurable products--washed dishes, baked bread, swept floors, clothed children--miss what some call the "invisible household production" that occurs at the same time, but which is, in fact, more important to family-building and character development than the economic products. Here lies the real power of family work--its potential to transform lives, to forge strong families, to build strong communities. It is the power to quietly, effectively urge hearts and minds toward a oneness known only in Zion.

Kathleen then discusses the role of work from the beginning with Adam and Eve, on through the ages to the major changes in our expectations that have come to us in the last century. Along with understanding the role of family work, she also discusses some by-products that come with working together.

Ironically, it is the very things commonly disliked about family work that offer the greatest possibilities for nurturing close relationships and forging family ties. Some people dislike family work because, they say, it is mindless. Yet chores that can be done with a minimum of concentration leave our minds free to focus on one another as we work together. We can talk, sing, or tell stories as we work. Working side by side tends to dissolve feelings of hierarchy, making it easier for children to discuss topics of concern with their parents. Unlike play, which usually requires mental concentration as well as physical involvement, family work invites intimate conversation between parent and child.

We also tend to think of household work as menial, and much of it is. Yet, because it is menial, even the smallest child can make a meaningful contribution. Children can learn to fold laundry, wash windows, or sort silverware with sufficient skill to feel valued as part of the family. Since daily tasks range from the simple to the complex, participants at every level can feel competent yet challenged, including the parents with their overall responsibility for coordinating tasks, people, and projects into a cooperative, working whole.

Another characteristic of ordinary family work that gives it such power is repetition. Almost as quickly as it is done, it must be redone. Dust gathers on furniture, dirt accumulates on floors, beds get messed up, children get hungry and dirty, meals are eaten, clothes become soiled. As any homemaker can tell you, the work is never done. When compared with the qualities of work that are prized in the public sphere, this aspect of family work seems to be just another reason to devalue it. However, each rendering of a task is a new invitation for all to enter the family circle. The most ordinary chores can become daily rituals of family love and belonging. Family identity is built moment by moment amidst the talking and teasing, the singing and storytelling, and even the quarreling and anguish that may attend such work sessions.

And at my house, there has definitely been some quarreling and anguish, but I’m hoping to dwell more on the part about building love and unity. Without actually copying the entire article here (because there are so many gems that I loved), I’ll leave you with just a few more of my favorite paragraphs that came from some of Kathleen’s research.

A frequent temptation in our busy lives today is to do the necessary family work by ourselves. A mother, tired from a long day of work in the office, may find it easier to do the work herself than to add the extra job of getting a family member to help. A related temptation is to make each child responsible only for his own mess, to put away his own toys, to clean his own room, to do his own laundry, and then to consider this enough family work to require of a child. When we structure work this way, we may shortchange ourselves by minimizing the potential for growing together that comes from doing the work for and with each other.

Canadian scholars Joan Grusec and Lorenzo Cohen, along with Australian Jacqueline Goodnow, compared children who did "self-care tasks" such as cleaning up their own rooms or doing their own laundry, with children who participated in "family-care tasks" such as setting the table or cleaning up a space that is shared with others. They found that it is the work one does "for others" that leads to the development of concern for others, while "work that focuses on what is one's 'own,'" does not. Other studies have also reported a positive link between household work and observed actions of helpfulness toward others. In one international study, African children who did "predominantly family-care tasks [such as] fetching wood or water, looking after siblings, running errands for parents" showed a high degree of helpfulness while "children in the Northeast United States, whose primary task in the household was to clean their own room, were the least helpful of all the children in the six cultures that were studied."

In a world that lauds the signing of peace treaties and the building of skyscrapers as the truly great work, how can we make such a big thing out of folding laundry? Gary Saul Morson, a professor of Russian literature at Northwestern University, argues convincingly that "the important events are not the great ones, but the infinitely numerous and apparently inconsequential ordinary ones, which, taken together, are far more effective and significant."

Don't you love that last part?  I truly believe it. I know that building character is going to take more than just one day, and that the "infinitely numerous and apparently inconsequential moments" may be the most important thing I can do for my children (I just wish they'd believe me if I told them that).

I think I’ll put more air in my inflatable bag of patience…I’m going back in for another round of family work, and this time I think I’ll join in with the kids and we’ll work together! No matter how tough it gets, it’ll be worth it, right?

Thanks Owenna for the link! (And is it any wonder that this educated & gifted author is related to our dear, wise Owenna? ;) Read the whole article here. It’s worth your time!

Devon
Image Credit

Several Links Re: Online Safety

 

Facebook is always pushing the boundaries. Regularly you have to check your FB settings. When FB releases new features they usually default them to on or the loosest setting.

Here are a couple of recent articles that tell you about Face Recognition tagging and how to turn them off.

How to Block Facebook's Face Recognition and Tighten Other Privacy Settings, by Wired.
Facebook Turns on Facial Recognition for by Default, by Mashable.

If you don’t want Facebook to suggest you when your friends go to tag everyone in that picture from last week’s naked mud-wrestling pool party, here’s how you disable the feature:

1. Go to your privacy settings.
2. Click “Customize settings.”
3. Scroll down to “Things others share.”
4. Find “Suggest photos of me to friends.”
5. Edit accordingly.

How To Talk to Children About Online Safety, by Mashable
If parents don’t teach online safety, children may not recognize imprudent online actions or realize consequences.

e

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Parenting Lesson: Communicate with Love

Notes from last week's parenting class:

In order to teach responsible behavior, we must be the example. As parents, we need to communicate with love. We need to listen to what our children are saying and be more responsive to them.

3 steps to good behavior:
1. Tell the child the behavior/task that you would like.
2. Praise them when behavior is good.
3. Give the child a physical reward i.e. hug, high-five, kiss

When requesting certain behavior, use "I" messages. "I need you to pick up your Legos". Give choices when possible i.e. "You may pick up your Legos now or after your bath, which do you choose?" Then, have child reiterate their choice.

Never ask a yes/no question that you don't want "no" for an answer. "Do you want to go to Nursery?" Instead, "It's time to go to Nursery."

Time out is an effective tool, but don't overuse it. From 18 months on, time out can be used, approximately one minute per age of the child.

Time out guidelines:
1. Tell child in advance the rules and guidelines for behavior.
2. When child misbehaves, tell her she is going to time out.
3. Ask the child to think about how else she could have handled the situation.
4. 1 minute per age - use a timer and timer starts when the child is quiet.
5. At the end of the time-out, ask the child for the solution to problem.
6. Give positive feedback when the behavior is good.

And, lastly, the common thread through all of the lessons - BE CONSISTENT and spend time LOVING and ENJOYING your children.

Margie

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Parenting Lesson: United We Stand

Here is a brief synopsis of our parenting class last night.

Parents need to be united in parenting.  

Children need to know that they will get the same answer/discipline no matter which parent they deal with.

What to do if you and your spouse have differing views on discipline:

1. Don't argue in front of the children about discipline.  This shifts focus away from child and turns into parent vs. parent.
2. Negotiate a plan.  When things are calm, discuss views and differences and come up with an agreed-upon plan.

5 steps to disciplining:

1. Commit yourself - Child must know that you'll do what you say you will.  Don't threaten a punishment you're not willing to follow through with.
2. Be realistic - Make sure the expected behavior is age-appropriate.
3. Give predictable consequences - Child needs to know that the same behavior gets the same result every time.
4. Use child-level logic - Use terms they understand, explain reasons why you're asking that behavior.
5. Try to say "yes" when you can.  "Mommy, can I have a cookie?"  Mom replies, "After dinner, yes, you may have a cookie."  Instead of an immediate "No!".

4 common discipline mistakes:

1. Losing your temper.  Yelling begets yelling and gets you nowhere.
2. Treating children as adults.  You will listen to their concerns, but this is not a democracy.  The parents need to be in charge.
3. Bribery.  They need to make good behavior intrinsic.  We behave well because that is what we do as a member of this family.
4. Inconsistency.  If you say "no", make sure it means "no" and that you don't give in.

Margie

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Parenting: I'm a preschooler—This is how I roll

Thursday evening was the first of four parenting classes on preschoolers. It's taught by Margie Clark and is open for anyone to come. These parenting classes will continue discussing parenting through the years. They are organized under the direction of the Sunday School Presidency.


Here are some of the highlights.

It is important to understand how children develop, in order that we can teach and discipline with age-appropriateness.  We discussed important milestones of development for ages 2-6.  You can check them out on cdc.gov

We discussed the 3 types of parenting styles and reflected on which category we fit in to.

They are:

Authoritarian - Children have little or no voice in rules.  Firm control from parents.  Parents show little warmth.  "Because I said so!"

Permissive - Parents show warmth, but little guidance.  Non-punitive.  Don't insist children obey.  Avoid confrontations.

Authoritative - Parents have high expectations, but high degree of warmth.  Share w/ child reasons for rules and allow some give and take.  State values clearly and expect child to respect their norms.

The Authoritative method is the most consistent with the scriptures and teachings of Church leaders.

Lastly, we, as members of the Church, have access to the Holy Ghost, who will guide us in our parenting.  We can pray for guidance and apply the Atonement, when we make mistakes.

Margie


---------------------------

Valley Forge 1st Ward
Parenting Classes
Emphasis on preschool-aged children

§ Thursday, May 12, 7:00-8:00 pm
“I am a preschooler – this is how I roll.”

§ Thursday, May 26, 7:00-8:00 pm
“United We Stand!”

§ Thursday, June 2, 7:00-8:00 pm
“Three strikes – you’re out!”

§ Thursday, June 9, 7:00-8:00 pm
“I’ll be a Sunbeam, if I want to.”

Babysitting will be provided
Classes held in the Primary room

Any questions – phone Margie Clark 610-454-7379

You Don't Have to Take My Word For It

[Marie sent this some time ago...just getting around to reading it and posting it. The article talks about pornography consumption as "sexual obesity". From gluttony. Many say "so what?" Find out what the research says about these lies:

•  Lie #1: Pornography use is a private matter.
• Lie #2: Pornography use is a guy thing. It only bothers women.
• Lie #3: It’s only pictures of consenting adults.

As one commenter said, "As is often the case, science is finally arriving at the knowledge that theology has had for quite some time."  e ]

Hi All,
I know this is an odd post, but I thought it important enough to stick my neck out a bit.

The Witherspoon Institute has recently put out a report titled "“The Social Costs of Pornography: A Statement of Findings and Recommendations" based on a conference held at Princeton a couple of years ago. I downloaded a copy of the full report to my Kindle, and it was one of those experiences where you keep turning to your spouse, or family member, and saying "Listen to this . . ." every other minute as you read. It is a sobering and very well done collection of research on the effects of pornography on individuals (biological as well as behavioral), family members . . . you name it, and what this means in the context of the explosion of pornography that is available now with the ubiquitous internet.

One of the co-editors recently ran an article that sums up the report, titled The Weight of Smut.

I'd recommend it to anyone who struggles with being able to articulate what constitutes pornography, how it is harmful, to whom, and why. For those who consider reading the full report, please be forewarned - pornography is a rough subject, and some of the things you will read in there will reflect that. Don't let that discourage you from reading it.

Given the emphasis the Church has placed in recent years on the problem(s) of pornography and the introduction of addiction programs, I don't think it is out of place to bring this resource to our attention.

Knowledge is power, as they say.

Here's an opportunity to add some extra strength to our mental armour.

All the best,
Marie

More Resources:
How can I help keep my home safe from pornography?
How can I best teach my children about healthy sexuality and the importance of avoiding pornography?
How to avoid pornography - Scroll down in this article to find some suggestions for commercial software for parental control. [Haven't checked all this out yet. e]
Safe Families site and internet blocker software

General Conference Activity Pages for Children and MORE!

From Mormon Times: General Conference Activity Pages for Children

Got kids? Then you've also got a true test ahead.

When it comes to LDS general conference, children add a joyful yet challenging dynamic to the experience. The chance to share the messages and traditions of conference with kids is a privilege of parenthood, but keeping them attentive and reverent is difficult.

Conference activity packets can be an effective means of focusing restless children on the speakers, or simply providing them with a quiet game. They have become popular among parents and now circulate throughout the blogosphere.

Here is Mormon Times' version of general conference activity pages, courtesy of Deseret News artist Josh Ferrin.

See also Preparing for General Conference. Go here...tons of ideas!!!

And finally...remember the Blessings of General Conference.

e

Our girls: growing up too fast?

We've talked a lot lately about what a plague of our day pornography is, and how current views are making it much more acceptable. During a recent Relief Society lesson, someone pointed out that Satan is specifically targeting girls younger now than ever before, and I've been thinking about what I can do in my own family to fight back.  I just read an article from the blog Clover Lane about the pressure girls feel to grow-up too quickly.  It is written by a mother of 5 children (who belongs to a different religion) and she shares her frustration in her quest to find a modest and age appropriate confirmation dress for her daughter. Here's an excerpt:

These girls of ours, WHAT ARE WE DOING???? WHY WHY WHY are we letting our kids grow up so fast? I am trying the darned best I can to let all of my children have a normal, long childhood but it seems like I have to fight tooth and nail ALL the time. I can stand strong as much as possible, trust me, I'm willing to fight the fight, but I feel like I'm up against the world, and in spite of all my attempts at normalizing this stupid rate of a super rushed childhood we have created, it is impossible, yes impossible, to keep all the crap out.

I think all of us mothers of daughters who care about preserving our daughter's innocence need to be angry.  We need to speak up, and sure lead by example, but not always quietly.  I know I've felt timid about saying no to a movie a group of mothers said yes to, afraid to offend. I'm not so sure I am timid anymore. I think that should be reversed somewhat...it's not me that should be embarrassed.  I think as I have gotten older, braver, and see these poor girls dealing with so much too soon, I feel more emboldened  to speak up, not righteously, but quietly and clearly.  Maybe if more mothers feel like they aren't alone, if more mothers think "I'm not the only one" we can bolster each other up. I know there are a lot of us out there...we are just busy fighting the onslaught!

It's interesting.  Read the whole article here, entitled What About Our Girls? Childhood Cut Short.

It's nice to know that we aren't alone in our quest to protect our youth, and it is good for me personally to read about standing up for what's right rather than worrying about offending other's choices.  Any ideas on other ways we can keep our children from growing up too quickly?

Devon

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Lesson Recap: Pornography Is a Family Issue

When you look at the statistics you'll realize what a secret danger pornography and pornography addiction are in our society. When you know someone who is struggling with it, are married to someone struggling with it, or are challenged yourself, you realize how heartbreaking and damaging it is. That's why as a presidency we have focused on getting education and awareness to our Relief Society sisters. Charity Wolf followed up my January lesson with this one on how to teach our children about this.

The black lung
In the late 1920s German scientists formally identified the link between smoking and lung cancer. It was not until the 1950s that health authorities again began to suggest a relationship between smoking and cancer. But it was not until the 1980s some 60 years later which prompted political action against the practice.

Many smokers begin during adolescence or early adulthood. Usually during the early stages, smoking provides pleasurable sensations, serving as a source of positive reinforcement. After an individual has smoked for many years, the avoidance of withdrawal symptoms and negative reinforcement become the key motivations to continue.

I can remember the assembly at Kastner Middle school where the man held up a normal pink lung and a black lung. He explained to us that the person whose lung was black smoked for some 30 years before it killed them.

For me that visual was very real and to this day smoking has never appealed to me.

But for that 60 years that the world was trying to catch-up to the Word of Wisdom, many lives were harmed because of the lack of information.

While there have been many things come and go over the years like wine is good, wine is bad, red wine is best, eggs are bad, eggs are good, the Lord has remained consistent in his counsel.

He also seems to be ahead of the curve when it comes to information...the Word of Wisdom, the Proclamation to the Family. I can remember the talk about tattoos and piecing, now some years later we see many young people with much of their bodies marked.

Listen to the prophets
Between 1986 and 2008 there have about 140 talks in general conference that have spoken out against pornography in one way or another. That is almost 4 talks per conference for the past 20 years.

The Church has also implemented an addiction recover program; it is 12 steps to help the lives of so many to heal from the trials of this life. The program is NOT just for the addicts, is also for the loved ones that are around the addict that are struggling.

President Boyd K. Packer of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught: “Addiction has the capacity to disconnect the human will and nullify moral agency. It can rob one of the power to decide.” Revelation in a Changing World.

I testify that both the addict and the family members around him or her feel robbed of power to decide on a future or goals or anything. Being caught in the addiction cycle is a feeling of no progression. It feels hopeless.

I also testify there can and will be a change if you really participate and let the Savior heal you.

President Boyd K Packer said; “It isn’t always easy to give you a ‘why’ for everything. But we owe it to you the coming generation to do more than just say DON’T.”

Understanding pornography addiction
In 1869 the gypsy moth was brought to Medford, Massachusetts to produce silk. While they were good at producing silk, some escaped, and it was discovered that they were also very good at defoliating and killing trees. Since then, gypsy moths have continued to spread west and south, and have caused billions in environmental damage as they have destroyed forest.

In 1972 a paper was published in the Science which described a novel approach to controlling the moth. Rather than use toxic pesticides to kill the caterpillars and the adults it proposed using sexual attraction to stop the insects from reproducing. Although this seems paradoxical it is now a technique used for many other insect species. It so happens that for the adult male gypsy moth to find a female, she must secrete a chemical called pheromone which he can sense in very small amounts. The paper describes using an isolate of the pheromone to either trap or confuse the male, and thus prevent mating.

Pornography may be compared with this...as Satan's tool to distract and ensnare.

IT IS A DRUG!

In He Restoreth My Soul, by Donald L. Hilton, Jr., M.D.

1. Individuals addicted to porn or sex experience the same chemical deficiency in the brain as those addicted to illicit drugs.
   
   All addiction creates a deficiency of Dopamine in the reward system of the brain that produces cravings. (1991 paper written by 2 Psychologists titled “Behavioral and Neurochemical Commonalities in Addiction” published in the Contemporary Family Therapy magazine) (Stanley G. Sunderwirth & Harvey Milkman)
   
   The same chemical interaction in the brain of a someone addicted to sex, porn, over-eating, and pathological gambling as we see in someone addicted to cocaine or heroine
   
   Changes in the neural circuitry occurs in the context, even in the absence of drug taking. (Howard Shaffer, head of the Division on Addictions at Harvard University)
   
   All addictions appear to cause shrinkage in the control and pleasure areas of the brain.
   
   All additions involve long-term, sometimes lifelong, neuroplastic changes in the brain.
   
   Pornographers promise healthy pleasure and relief from sexual tension, but what they often deliver is an addiction, tolerance, and an eventual decrease in pleasure. (Dr. Norman Doidge of Columbia University in The Brain That Changes Itself)
   
   
2. Individuals suffering with addiction often exhibit similar problems as patients suffering from “front lobe syndrome”.
   
   When someone suffers major trauma to the front of the brain, they often experience damage to the frontal lobe of the brain. They experience changes in personality and often suffer from lack of judgment. Formally dignified and sophisticated individuals may be silly or may laugh or cry at inappropriate times. They often manifest impulsiveness and the inability to prevent themselves from doing things they normally would not have done. They often exhibit compulsiveness or repetition of certain behaviors they normally wouldn’t be fixated on.
   
   Studies show addicted individuals have reduced cellular activity in the orbitofrontal cortex. This in the front part of the brain and is used in making strategic, rather than impulsive decisions. Prolonged addiction actually causes visible shrinkage in the frontal control area of the brain.
   
   Fortunately, studies show prolonged abstinence can allow the brain to heal and these areas of the brain can regain their size and function with recovery.
   
   
3. When viewing pornography a person’s brain releases powerful internally-made drugs that affect the brain when overused.
   
   Both Epinephrine (Adrenaline) and high doses of Dopamine are released into the body. Dopamine is a close cousin of Adrenaline. Even the thought of viewing pornography can cause the release of Adrenaline in the Locus Coeruleus (in the brain). Dopamine being released from the Ventral Tegmental area which stimulates the Nucleus Accumbens of the brain is thought to be what causes the sexual pleasure associated with viewing pornography.
   
   If we were to purchase these drugs and inject them in the body we would experience the same feelings as the addicted person when feeding the addiction. Pornography is actually a form of illicit drug use when viewed in this light.
   
   
4. Oxytocin is the bonding hormone in the brain.
   
   It's important in the production and release of breast milk.
   
   Recent study shows that when this hormone is blocked in mammals that mate for life, they no longer bond with a mate nor do they mate for life.
   
   Oxytocin is released during orgasm in humans. Depression often found in women who are promiscuous with multiple partners may be related to Oxytocin.
   
   Oxytocin is believed to cause bonding to pornography when an addict masturbates along with viewing it.
   
   
5. Viewing pornography causes natural Dopamine production to decease.
   
   Viewing pornography causes an over stimulation of Dopamine. Prolonged viewing of pornography causes receptors in the brain that accept the Dopamine to increase to handle the increased Dopamine being produced. Then under normal circumstances, the Dopamine being produced cannot fill all the receptors and “cravings” occur.  

Just like the black lung we cannot always see the effects our choices have on us.

This is what needs to be taught to our children.

Practice fire drills
At least twice a year our children practice fire drills in school. In reality the odds of them being caught in a building fire are 1 in 111,445. But thanks to those fire drills, we know exactly what to do in a fire, just in case we they are part of the 0.000008973%.

We need to be bringing up topics that open communication with our children, just as in a "fire drill".

When I first started down this road of talking with my older boys, it was very uncomfortable. A few years ago I was feeling a distance between one of my boys and myself. He would talk really gruff if he was asked a question. He looked like the weight of the world was on him. I pulled him from school and kept him with me for a few days. That time was precious. It was not right away but soon after he opened up about the burdens he carried. He was trying to follow the standards of the church, but he never felt like he could measure up. He did not have answers for things like, 'why is pornography bad?' or 'why do we believe in marriage between man and women?' In their health class they were taught that masturbation was a coming of age thing and that everyone did it. I had no idea that all these things were going on.

Over the next few months I was encouraged by the Lord to study fasting. As my son and I studied this topic he had a mighty change of heart. It was not all at once but when they say hold fast to the iron rod it has a new meaning for us. Fast is, at its root, to be quick. If you add an "en" to the word you attach to something. If you add an "ing" to the root then you are going without for something better.

So I decided that I should quickly, fasten myself to the iron rod through much prayer and fasting. As I did this I was able to help my son and he has received the personal revelation that he needs in his life.

This was one of many fire drills that is now practiced in my home.

An aside: Talk to your children at all ages, though. Start at least when they are 5 or 6 years old. Don't wait until they are teenagers. Teach your children about sex and normal sexual relations, in a way that is age-appropriate. Teach them what you in your family value and what you expect. e

Elder Lawrence gave us wonderful counsel in last conference titled, Courageous Parenting:

One of the most effective ways we can influence our sons and daughters is to counsel with them in private interviews. By listening closely, we can discover the desires of their hearts, help them set righteous goals, and also share with them the spiritual impressions that we have received about them. Counseling requires courage.

"Fortifying homes comes by establishing righteous patterns", Elder Lawrence said.

He listed five ways families can fortify the youth of the Church:

1. Family prayer
2. Family scripture study
3. Family home evening
4. Family dinner together
5. Regular one-on-one interviews with each child

His ending encouragement:

Parenting teenagers in the latter days is a very humbling assignment. Satan and his followers are striving to bring this generation down; the Lord is counting on valiant parents to bring them up. Parents, “Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid” (Joshua 1:9). I know that God hears and will answer your prayers. I testify that the Lord supports and blesses courageous parents.

Elder Holland, (Place No More for the Enemy of My Soul) gave us this, for ourselves and to teach our children:

1. Above all, start by separating yourself from people, materials, and circumstances that will harm you. As those battling something like alcoholism know, the pull of proximity can be fatal. So too in moral matters. Like Joseph in the presence of Potiphar’s wife, just run—run as far away as you can get from whatever or whoever it is that beguiles you. And please, when fleeing the scene of temptation, do not leave a forwarding address.
   
   
2. Acknowledge that people bound by the chains of true addictions often need more help than self-help, and that may include you. Seek that help and welcome it. Talk to your bishop. Follow his counsel. Ask for a priesthood blessing. Use the Church’s Family Services offerings or seek other suitable professional help. Pray without ceasing. Ask for angels to help you.
   
   
3. Along with filters on computers and a lock on affections, remember that the only real control in life is self-control. Exercise more control over even the marginal moments that confront you. If a TV show is indecent, turn it off. If a movie is crude, walk out. If an improper relationship is developing, sever it. Many of these influences, at least initially, may not technically be evil, but they can blunt our judgment, dull our spirituality, and lead to something that could be evil. An old proverb says that a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step, so watch your step.
   
   
4. Like thieves in the night, unwelcome thoughts can and do seek entrance to our minds. But we don’t have to throw open the door, serve them tea and crumpets, and then tell them where the silverware is kept! (You shouldn’t be serving tea anyway.) Throw the rascals out! Replace lewd thoughts with hopeful images and joyful memories; picture the faces of those who love you and would be shattered if you let them down. More than one man has been saved from sin or stupidity by remembering the face of his mother, his wife, or his child waiting somewhere for him at home. Whatever thoughts you have, make sure they are welcome in your heart by invitation only. As an ancient poet once said, let will be your reason.
   
   
5. Cultivate and be where the Spirit of the Lord is. Make sure that includes your own home or apartment, dictating the kind of art, music, and literature you keep there. If you are endowed, go to the temple as often as your circumstances allow. Remember that the temple arms you “with [God’s] power, . . . [puts His] glory . . . round about [you], and [gives His] angels . . . charge over [you].” And when you leave the temple, remember the symbols you take with you, never to be set aside or forgotten.

Why a women’s support group
Those who struggle with addiction aren’t the only ones who can experience a mighty change: loved ones find that as they apply the 12 steps to their own lives and attend recovery meetings, they can experience the blessings of the Atonement in regard to their own grief. The addiction recovery program provides support groups for family and friends, who discover that the Savior can heal them of the pain, anger, and guilt that loved ones sometimes feel.

When Deborah learned of her son’s drug addiction, she was plagued by feelings of guilt as she thought about how she could have been a better mother. Then she discovered that she could apply the steps to herself. She says, “What I learned in the program is that no matter how my son is doing, I can still be happy and have Heavenly Father in my life.” She adds, “On the outside I look the same, but my life has completely changed on the inside.”

Shannon, whose husband faced a pornography addiction, attended the support group for spouses. As she participated, she noticed a change in herself as well. At first she focused on the pain she felt over her husband’s addiction. But then, as she started learning and applying the steps, a miraculous change occurred. She says, “I began talking less and less about my husband and more about what I had learned from each step. I began to see how the Lord was working in my life.”

Pornography is the black lung of our day. Our prophets have warned and are warning us about it. Many of us have been affected by it's grasp on loved ones or ourselves. This is one of the reasons we as the Relief Society felt this topic was so important and we devoted 2 precious Sundays to it. The more informed we are and the more united we are. We can, with our Heavenly Father's help, stay a head of the curve ball Satan is throwing at our family. I hope today you will act on this lesson in teaching your children, learning more, or seeking help.

Charity