Grandparenting

On September 18th Donna Kneeland gave a class on Grandparenting. Her handouts are included here, for those who missed it! Thanks Donna for your preparation.

20 Activities for Grandparents to Do With Their Grandchildren

Here are a few sample ideas for those of us who are "long-distance" grandparents, but they could work even if you're close by.

3. Send a "heart attack". Cut out heart shaped pieces of paper and write on them the things you appreciate about your grandchild. Place all the hearts in an envelope and send them to him or her.

12. After a visit create a complimentary report card about your grandchild's interactions with others and send it to him or her.

8. Begin a Life's Lessons booklet. Each week write down a few of the lessons you've learned in life and how you learned those lessons. When the booklet is full, send it to your grandchild to use as he or she begins or continues the journey of life. "Always stop and buy lemonade from the neighbor child's lemonade stand."

More ideas

Lesson: Family Responsibilities

Gospel Principles 37 Family Responsibilities
Taught by Sarah Kinghorn

Each person has an important place in his or her family. 

Through prophets the Lord has explained how fathers, mothers, and children should behave and feel toward one another. As husbands, wives, and children, we need to learn what the Lord expects us to do to fulfill our purpose as a family. If we all do our part, we will be united eternally.

In the Worldwide Leadership Training Meeting: Building Up a Righteous Posterity, February 9, 2008
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, in Patterns and Replicas says,

Now, I hope this helps you understand why we talk about the pattern, the ideal, of marriage and family when we know full well that not everyone now lives in that ideal circumstance. It is precisely because many don’t have, or perhaps have never even seen, that ideal and because some cultural forces steadily move us away from that ideal, that we speak about what our Father in Heaven wishes for us in His eternal plan for His children.

Individual adaptations have to be made as marital status and family circumstances differ. But all of us can agree on the pattern as it comes from God, and we can strive for its realization the best way we can.

In the sacred responsibilities of parenthood, “fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners” (“The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” Ensign, Nov. 1995, 102). They should work together to provide for the spiritual, emotional, intellectual, and physical needs of the family.
Some responsibilities must be shared by the husband and the wife. Parents should teach their children the gospel.

How can we teach our children the gospel?

Watch with All Perseverance
Elder Bednar, April 2010 Watching with All Perseverance:

This early warning system applies to children of all ages and contains three basic components: (1) reading and talking about the Book of Mormon with your children, (2) bearing testimony of gospel truths spontaneously with your children, and (3) inviting children as gospel learners to act and not merely be acted upon. Parents who do these things faithfully will be blessed to recognize early signals of spiritual growth in or challenges with their children and be better prepared to receive inspiration to strengthen and help those children.  

Parents should be vigilant and spiritually attentive to spontaneously occurring opportunities to bear testimony to their children. Such occasions need not be programmed, scheduled, or scripted. In fact, the less regimented such testimony sharing is, the greater the likelihood for edification and lasting impact.

For example, a naturally occurring family conversation at dinner may be the perfect setting for a parent to recount and testify of specific blessings he or she received during the course of relatively routine activities that day. And a testimony need not always begin with the phrase “I bear you my testimony.” Our witness can be declared as simply as “I know I was blessed with inspiration at work today” or “The truth in this scripture always has been a powerful source of direction for me.” Similar opportunities to bear testimony also can arise while traveling together in a car or bus or in a multitude of other settings.

One of the best ways parents can teach their children is by example. 

Husbands and wives should show love and respect for each other and for their children by both actions and words. It is important to remember that each member of the family is a child of God. Parents should treat their children with love and respect, being firm but kind to them.

Parents should understand that sometimes children will make wrong choices even after they have been taught the truth. When this happens, parents should not give up. They should continue to teach their children, to express love for them, to be good examples to them, and to fast and pray for them.

President Boyd K. Packer, Our Moral Environment, May 1992:

The measure of our success as parents…will not rest solely on how our children turn out. That judgment would be just only if we could raise our families in a perfectly moral environment. And that now is not possible. …When parents keep covenants they have made at the altar of the temple, their children will be forever bound to them.

How can husbands and wives support each other in their roles?

Single parenting
I contacted a few of my friends who are single parents or who have been in the past and the response to the question “where can single parents turn for support” was tremendous. I would like to share some of their thoughts with you.

Single parents can turn to the sisters in the ward, visiting teachers and home teachers for support.

“As far as support as a single parent, it was mainly through the sisters in the ward/branch. My family wasn’t supportive, and my friends were few and far between. My visiting teachers made sure I was well informed of activities and socials that brought me closer to the kind of environment that I needed to have…I tried to attend as much of that as I could so that I could talk with other mothers and see what child-rearing techniques were useful, what daycares were the best, etc.”

How can we support single parents?

1. Be understanding

“The hardest thing for me to do was to go to church on Sunday. I would walk in and feel like the whole congregation turned and scoffed. To me, that was the biggest slap in the face I could have received. I thought, if these people are living the gospel like they are supposed to, they would not make a big deal out of it. Instead of being self-righteous, maybe they could have been more open to being more understanding and supportive?”

2. Offer specific help

“When it comes to single parents, no matter why they are single – never married, divorced, widowed, a deployment, whatever – they want you to show them that you care.”

It is best to offer specific help or ask specifically what you can do. For one of my friends the young men came over and mowed her lawn the first summer after her divorce. She said it was a nice thought but something she had been doing and didn’t need help with. “When they are mowing my lawn every week I feel bad asking for other things that I really do need.”

3. Be inclusive

“I guess I just do feel like I could use more support from the ward, mostly in the socialization area. People actually could still have me and my kids over with their family for dinner or a get together, but it’s like they think we don’t want to be around a family with a dad since we don’t have one.”

“It is hard to explain to someone what it is like to sit at home with your kids during a holiday meal, just the three of you, then later show up at church and hear multiple people tell you how they would have invited you over but they thought someone else had invited you, and in the end no one did.”

4. Help make the priesthood available to the family

“…even if it means sacrificing your husband so he can run an errand or help with a single sister’s to-do list, or just encourage him to be a better home teacher and offer blessings to the family."

“President Hinckley’s words of encouragement and love fill my heart with hope and eyes with tears every time I read this to this day."

For you who are single parents, I say that many hands stand ready to help you. The Lord is not unmindful of you. Neither is His Church.

May He bless you, my beloved sisters who find yourselves in the situation of single parenthood. May you have health, strength, vitality to carry the heavy burden that is yours. May you have loving friends and associates to bear you up in your times of trial.  You know the power of prayer as perhaps few others do. Many of you spend much time on your knees speaking with your Father in Heaven, with tears running down your cheeks.  Please know that we also pray for you.

With all that you have to do, you are also asked to serve in the Church. Your bishop will not ask you to do anything that is beyond your capacity. And as you so serve, a new dimension will be added to your life. You will find new and stimulating associations. You will find friendship and sociality. You will grow in knowledge and understanding and wisdom, and in your capacity to do. You will become a better mother because of the service you give in the work of the Lord.

Fathers

By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families.

A worthy father who is a member of the Church has the opportunity to hold the priesthood, making him the priesthood leader of his family.

The father shares the blessings of the priesthood with the members of his family. When a man holds the Melchizedek Priesthood, he can share these blessings by administering to the sick and giving special priesthood blessings. Under the direction of a presiding priesthood leader, he can bless babies, baptize, confirm, and perform priesthood ordinations. He should set a good example for his family by keeping the commandments. He should also make sure the family prays together twice daily and holds family home evening.

The father should spend time with each child individually. He should teach his children correct principles, talk with them about their problems and concerns, and counsel them lovingly.

M. Russell Ballard, Fathers and Sons: A Remarkable Relationship, Ensign, Nov 2009, 47–50:

Find your own best way to connect. Some fathers like to take their sons fishing or to a sporting event. Others like to go on a quiet drive or work side by side in the yard. Some find their sons enjoy conversations at night just before going to bed. Do whatever works best for you. Where or when this happens isn’t nearly as important as the fact that it happens.

What positive examples have you seen of fathers raising their children? 

Mothers

President David O. McKay said that motherhood is the noblest calling. It is a sacred calling, a partnership with God in bringing His spirit children into the world. Bearing children is one of the greatest of all blessings. If there is no father in the home, the mother presides over the family.

President Boyd K. Packer praised women who were unable to have children of their own yet sought to care for others. He said:

When I speak of mothers, I speak not only of those women who have borne children, but also of those who have fostered children born to others, and of the many women who, without children of their own, have mothered the children of others.

My own mother could not have children of her own for many years. This caused a great deal of heartache. Despite the grief she felt, she was still able to mother the children of others through friends' children and callings in Primary and Young Women. I was adopted after 9 years of infertility and my sister was adopted almost 2 years later.

Latter-day prophets have taught, “Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.”

A mother needs to spend time with her children and teach them the gospel. She should play and work with them so they can discover the world around them. She also needs to help her family know how to make the home a pleasant place to be. If she is warm and loving, she helps her children feel good about themselves.

What positive examples have you seen of mothers raising their children?

Children
Children share with their parents the responsibilities of building a happy home. They should obey the commandments and cooperate with other family members. The Lord is not pleased when children quarrel (see Mosiah 4:14).

What did your parents do that led you to honor and respect them?

What are some traditions and practices that can make home a happy place?

A loving and happy family does not happen by accident. Each person in the family must do his or her part. The Lord has given responsibilities to both parents and children. The scriptures teach that we must be thoughtful, cheerful, and considerate of others. When we speak, pray, sing, or work together, we can enjoy the blessings of harmony in our families. (See Colossians 3.)

Get Mothering Help from the Prophets

Did you know every General Conference is filled with advice for mothers?

Well of course you did.

Ah, but did you know it's be been gathered all in one place for your convenience?

Here are summaries from the last three conferences.

Teachings for Mothers: October 2010
Teachings for Mother: April 2010
Teaching for Mother: April 2011

A few excerpts:

“So if you are trying to do the best you can—if, for example, you keep trying to hold family home evening in spite of the bedlam that sometimes reigns in a houseful of little bedlamites—then give yourself high marks and, when we come to that subject, listen for another which addresses a topic where you may be lacking. If we teach by the Spirit and you listen by the Spirit, some one of us will touch on your circumstance, sending a personal prophetic epistle just to you”
(Jeffrey R. Holland, “An Ensign to the Nations,” Apr. 2011 general conference).

“We have all heard the advice to condemn the sin and not the sinner. Likewise, when our children misbehave, we must be careful not to say things that would cause them to believe that what they did wrong is who they are. 'Never let failure progress from an action to an identity,' with its attendant labels like 'stupid,' 'slow,' 'lazy,' or 'clumsy.' Our children are God’s children. That is their true identity and potential. His very plan is to help His children overcome mistakes and misdeeds and to progress to become as He is. Disappointing behavior, therefore, should be considered as something temporary, not permanent—an act, not an identity. We need to be careful, therefore, about using permanent phrases such as 'You always …' or 'You never …' when disciplining. Take care with phrases such as 'You never consider my feelings' or 'Why do you always make us wait?' Phrases like these make actions appear as an identity and can adversely influence the child’s self-perception and self-worth”
(Lynn G. Robbins, “What Manner of Men and Women Ought Ye to Be?” Apr. 2011 general conference).

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Family Work

Oh, what do you do in the summertime, when all the world is green?

Those of you who are currently with young ones at home and out of school, your answer might be like mine….trying to be patient, loving, and to keep the TV/media stuff off for as long as possible!

One thing that I have really been pushing this summer is to teach my children how to work, and there are days that it just does not go over well around here. I have been baffled at how my children can become so lazy & whiny the moment I mention it’s time to work on their chores. Honestly, I was at a complete loss and had turned to the Lord for some major help in the patience department when Owenna e-mailed me an article she had been telling me about that her sister Kathleen (who is a professor...) wrote for BYU Magazine.

The Article is entitled, “Family Work,” and gave me a lot of food for thought. In the article, Kathleen Slaugh Bahr discusses the differences between her childhood growing up working TOGETHER with her family, and the ways that we now try to make our children work. She states:

People who see the value of family work only in terms of the economic value of processes that yield measurable products--washed dishes, baked bread, swept floors, clothed children--miss what some call the "invisible household production" that occurs at the same time, but which is, in fact, more important to family-building and character development than the economic products. Here lies the real power of family work--its potential to transform lives, to forge strong families, to build strong communities. It is the power to quietly, effectively urge hearts and minds toward a oneness known only in Zion.

Kathleen then discusses the role of work from the beginning with Adam and Eve, on through the ages to the major changes in our expectations that have come to us in the last century. Along with understanding the role of family work, she also discusses some by-products that come with working together.

Ironically, it is the very things commonly disliked about family work that offer the greatest possibilities for nurturing close relationships and forging family ties. Some people dislike family work because, they say, it is mindless. Yet chores that can be done with a minimum of concentration leave our minds free to focus on one another as we work together. We can talk, sing, or tell stories as we work. Working side by side tends to dissolve feelings of hierarchy, making it easier for children to discuss topics of concern with their parents. Unlike play, which usually requires mental concentration as well as physical involvement, family work invites intimate conversation between parent and child.

We also tend to think of household work as menial, and much of it is. Yet, because it is menial, even the smallest child can make a meaningful contribution. Children can learn to fold laundry, wash windows, or sort silverware with sufficient skill to feel valued as part of the family. Since daily tasks range from the simple to the complex, participants at every level can feel competent yet challenged, including the parents with their overall responsibility for coordinating tasks, people, and projects into a cooperative, working whole.

Another characteristic of ordinary family work that gives it such power is repetition. Almost as quickly as it is done, it must be redone. Dust gathers on furniture, dirt accumulates on floors, beds get messed up, children get hungry and dirty, meals are eaten, clothes become soiled. As any homemaker can tell you, the work is never done. When compared with the qualities of work that are prized in the public sphere, this aspect of family work seems to be just another reason to devalue it. However, each rendering of a task is a new invitation for all to enter the family circle. The most ordinary chores can become daily rituals of family love and belonging. Family identity is built moment by moment amidst the talking and teasing, the singing and storytelling, and even the quarreling and anguish that may attend such work sessions.

And at my house, there has definitely been some quarreling and anguish, but I’m hoping to dwell more on the part about building love and unity. Without actually copying the entire article here (because there are so many gems that I loved), I’ll leave you with just a few more of my favorite paragraphs that came from some of Kathleen’s research.

A frequent temptation in our busy lives today is to do the necessary family work by ourselves. A mother, tired from a long day of work in the office, may find it easier to do the work herself than to add the extra job of getting a family member to help. A related temptation is to make each child responsible only for his own mess, to put away his own toys, to clean his own room, to do his own laundry, and then to consider this enough family work to require of a child. When we structure work this way, we may shortchange ourselves by minimizing the potential for growing together that comes from doing the work for and with each other.

Canadian scholars Joan Grusec and Lorenzo Cohen, along with Australian Jacqueline Goodnow, compared children who did "self-care tasks" such as cleaning up their own rooms or doing their own laundry, with children who participated in "family-care tasks" such as setting the table or cleaning up a space that is shared with others. They found that it is the work one does "for others" that leads to the development of concern for others, while "work that focuses on what is one's 'own,'" does not. Other studies have also reported a positive link between household work and observed actions of helpfulness toward others. In one international study, African children who did "predominantly family-care tasks [such as] fetching wood or water, looking after siblings, running errands for parents" showed a high degree of helpfulness while "children in the Northeast United States, whose primary task in the household was to clean their own room, were the least helpful of all the children in the six cultures that were studied."

In a world that lauds the signing of peace treaties and the building of skyscrapers as the truly great work, how can we make such a big thing out of folding laundry? Gary Saul Morson, a professor of Russian literature at Northwestern University, argues convincingly that "the important events are not the great ones, but the infinitely numerous and apparently inconsequential ordinary ones, which, taken together, are far more effective and significant."

Don't you love that last part?  I truly believe it. I know that building character is going to take more than just one day, and that the "infinitely numerous and apparently inconsequential moments" may be the most important thing I can do for my children (I just wish they'd believe me if I told them that).

I think I’ll put more air in my inflatable bag of patience…I’m going back in for another round of family work, and this time I think I’ll join in with the kids and we’ll work together! No matter how tough it gets, it’ll be worth it, right?

Thanks Owenna for the link! (And is it any wonder that this educated & gifted author is related to our dear, wise Owenna? ;) Read the whole article here. It’s worth your time!

Devon
Image Credit

Parenting Lesson: Communicate with Love

Notes from last week's parenting class:

In order to teach responsible behavior, we must be the example. As parents, we need to communicate with love. We need to listen to what our children are saying and be more responsive to them.

3 steps to good behavior:
1. Tell the child the behavior/task that you would like.
2. Praise them when behavior is good.
3. Give the child a physical reward i.e. hug, high-five, kiss

When requesting certain behavior, use "I" messages. "I need you to pick up your Legos". Give choices when possible i.e. "You may pick up your Legos now or after your bath, which do you choose?" Then, have child reiterate their choice.

Never ask a yes/no question that you don't want "no" for an answer. "Do you want to go to Nursery?" Instead, "It's time to go to Nursery."

Time out is an effective tool, but don't overuse it. From 18 months on, time out can be used, approximately one minute per age of the child.

Time out guidelines:
1. Tell child in advance the rules and guidelines for behavior.
2. When child misbehaves, tell her she is going to time out.
3. Ask the child to think about how else she could have handled the situation.
4. 1 minute per age - use a timer and timer starts when the child is quiet.
5. At the end of the time-out, ask the child for the solution to problem.
6. Give positive feedback when the behavior is good.

And, lastly, the common thread through all of the lessons - BE CONSISTENT and spend time LOVING and ENJOYING your children.

Margie

Photo credit

Parenting Lesson: United We Stand

Here is a brief synopsis of our parenting class last night.

Parents need to be united in parenting.  

Children need to know that they will get the same answer/discipline no matter which parent they deal with.

What to do if you and your spouse have differing views on discipline:

1. Don't argue in front of the children about discipline.  This shifts focus away from child and turns into parent vs. parent.
2. Negotiate a plan.  When things are calm, discuss views and differences and come up with an agreed-upon plan.

5 steps to disciplining:

1. Commit yourself - Child must know that you'll do what you say you will.  Don't threaten a punishment you're not willing to follow through with.
2. Be realistic - Make sure the expected behavior is age-appropriate.
3. Give predictable consequences - Child needs to know that the same behavior gets the same result every time.
4. Use child-level logic - Use terms they understand, explain reasons why you're asking that behavior.
5. Try to say "yes" when you can.  "Mommy, can I have a cookie?"  Mom replies, "After dinner, yes, you may have a cookie."  Instead of an immediate "No!".

4 common discipline mistakes:

1. Losing your temper.  Yelling begets yelling and gets you nowhere.
2. Treating children as adults.  You will listen to their concerns, but this is not a democracy.  The parents need to be in charge.
3. Bribery.  They need to make good behavior intrinsic.  We behave well because that is what we do as a member of this family.
4. Inconsistency.  If you say "no", make sure it means "no" and that you don't give in.

Margie

photo credit

Parenting: I'm a preschooler—This is how I roll

Thursday evening was the first of four parenting classes on preschoolers. It's taught by Margie Clark and is open for anyone to come. These parenting classes will continue discussing parenting through the years. They are organized under the direction of the Sunday School Presidency.


Here are some of the highlights.

It is important to understand how children develop, in order that we can teach and discipline with age-appropriateness.  We discussed important milestones of development for ages 2-6.  You can check them out on cdc.gov

We discussed the 3 types of parenting styles and reflected on which category we fit in to.

They are:

Authoritarian - Children have little or no voice in rules.  Firm control from parents.  Parents show little warmth.  "Because I said so!"

Permissive - Parents show warmth, but little guidance.  Non-punitive.  Don't insist children obey.  Avoid confrontations.

Authoritative - Parents have high expectations, but high degree of warmth.  Share w/ child reasons for rules and allow some give and take.  State values clearly and expect child to respect their norms.

The Authoritative method is the most consistent with the scriptures and teachings of Church leaders.

Lastly, we, as members of the Church, have access to the Holy Ghost, who will guide us in our parenting.  We can pray for guidance and apply the Atonement, when we make mistakes.

Margie


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Valley Forge 1st Ward
Parenting Classes
Emphasis on preschool-aged children

§ Thursday, May 12, 7:00-8:00 pm
“I am a preschooler – this is how I roll.”

§ Thursday, May 26, 7:00-8:00 pm
“United We Stand!”

§ Thursday, June 2, 7:00-8:00 pm
“Three strikes – you’re out!”

§ Thursday, June 9, 7:00-8:00 pm
“I’ll be a Sunbeam, if I want to.”

Babysitting will be provided
Classes held in the Primary room

Any questions – phone Margie Clark 610-454-7379

RS Activity: Get Organized

Devon's vertical file

Tuesday evening we enjoyed the talents of VF 2nd ward's Tammy Small. She is a professional organizer and shared with us her method of keep her home in order.

She has gleaned ideas from many books over the years but especially likes Confessions of an Organized Homemaker, by Deneice Schofield. [I just read Throw Out 50 Things, by Gail Blanke and highly recommend it too.]

How to start organizing your home
She starts by defining the function of the space. Do you need a drawer full of hubby's tools in the kitchen?

Next choose centers for each space. A baking area in the kitchen, a bill-paying area, etc.

Get 5 bags or boxes and label them.
1. Stays based on the function.
2. Throw away.
3. Give away, donate, sell (only if you really will do it).
4. Not sure.
5. Elsewhere.

Start in one corner of the room and work your way around filling up the boxes/bags. Don't stop to take something to another room. You might get distracted. Tammy does this once or twice a year. She says you'll find you have extra cupboard space.

Tame paper avalanche
One specific example, children's artwork and papers: Display the latest pic on a "clothesline" with clothes pins. Put other papers in a box. When the box is full (or at least twice during the school year) sit with the child and let them choose their favorites to keep. Take a picture of your child with their social studies poster or science fair project for the memories, then toss the item. The idea is to sincerely validate and praise, then give them choices but within a limited space. The same goes for collections, hubbies hobbies, the garage, etc.

She had some great stories to tell and we're glad she came! Thanks Tammy!

Strawberry shortcake made for a delicious ending. Thanks Charity!

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Our girls: growing up too fast?

We've talked a lot lately about what a plague of our day pornography is, and how current views are making it much more acceptable. During a recent Relief Society lesson, someone pointed out that Satan is specifically targeting girls younger now than ever before, and I've been thinking about what I can do in my own family to fight back.  I just read an article from the blog Clover Lane about the pressure girls feel to grow-up too quickly.  It is written by a mother of 5 children (who belongs to a different religion) and she shares her frustration in her quest to find a modest and age appropriate confirmation dress for her daughter. Here's an excerpt:

These girls of ours, WHAT ARE WE DOING???? WHY WHY WHY are we letting our kids grow up so fast? I am trying the darned best I can to let all of my children have a normal, long childhood but it seems like I have to fight tooth and nail ALL the time. I can stand strong as much as possible, trust me, I'm willing to fight the fight, but I feel like I'm up against the world, and in spite of all my attempts at normalizing this stupid rate of a super rushed childhood we have created, it is impossible, yes impossible, to keep all the crap out.

I think all of us mothers of daughters who care about preserving our daughter's innocence need to be angry.  We need to speak up, and sure lead by example, but not always quietly.  I know I've felt timid about saying no to a movie a group of mothers said yes to, afraid to offend. I'm not so sure I am timid anymore. I think that should be reversed somewhat...it's not me that should be embarrassed.  I think as I have gotten older, braver, and see these poor girls dealing with so much too soon, I feel more emboldened  to speak up, not righteously, but quietly and clearly.  Maybe if more mothers feel like they aren't alone, if more mothers think "I'm not the only one" we can bolster each other up. I know there are a lot of us out there...we are just busy fighting the onslaught!

It's interesting.  Read the whole article here, entitled What About Our Girls? Childhood Cut Short.

It's nice to know that we aren't alone in our quest to protect our youth, and it is good for me personally to read about standing up for what's right rather than worrying about offending other's choices.  Any ideas on other ways we can keep our children from growing up too quickly?

Devon

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10 Commandments for Kids Online: Keep Them Safe!

Found this great "contract" you should consider signing with your kids...read it carefully because it will help you know what you should be monitoring and to what extent.

My manager the other day was telling a story about an e-mail his 13 yo daughter had received. My coworkers were appalled that he and his wife read her e-mail...coworkers who did not have children and are not aware of the sometimes heavy responsibility it is to raise children in this digital age.

My bottom line to you...be present in your children's lives, know what they are doing online!

Kim Komando's 10 Commandments for Kids Online 

Example:

#10: I give my parents’ permission to look on the computer and my phone to see where I have gone on the Internet, the e-mail and text messages I have sent and received, the things I downloaded or what I do. If my parents installed programs that track what I do on the computer or limit where I go online or on my cell phone, I promise not to turn those programs off.

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Reality Mothering

I love reading the Mormon Women Project and the latest post really struck me... Reality TV vs. Reality Mothering. It is about a woman raising two sets of twins. And there was one part that just rang so true to me and is something I think so many of us forget. Here is the portion.

One LDS person said, “Don’t read those parenting books. Just go by the Spirit and read your scriptures.”

I remember thinking that was the oddest advice, because I know prophets have counseled us to seek spiritual help while doing our physical best.

I remember a story about an early church member asking Brigham Young for a Priesthood blessing to help him overcome an illness, but the man hadn’t applied any remedies or gone to a doctor because he thought his faith alone would heal him. Brigham Young told him, “That is very inconsistent with my faith. If we are sick, and ask the Lord to heal us, we need to do all that is necessary to be done. . . It appears consistent to me to apply every remedy that comes within the range of my knowledge, and [then] ask my Father in Heaven …to sanctify that application to the healing of my body.”

That’s how I feel about parenting—we need to try to access information and resources available to us so the Spirit can work through that knowledge.

Sometimes we as members forget the Prayer part and do the action, and sometimes we do the prayer and forget the action... Neither alone tend to get the results we really need.

She also has a blog called Learning Mommy that looks fun. Granted, not having kids, I am not the best judge.

Anyway, just thought I would pass it along.

Chell Leighton

Why are Mormon homemakers so creative?

From One Eternal Round, found on Patheous:

Why are Mormon homemakers so creative? 

...Creatively producing things is good for our sense of self worth....

You probably saw the article on Salon.com a couple of weeks ago about the feminist who can’t stop reading Mormon housewife blogs. The author marvels at the creativity displayed on these blogs – beautiful homes, beautiful baked goods, beautiful photography. A lot of Mormon homemakers are extremely creative and productive. ...

...Blogging, baking, photography, and handicrafts are all things that can be done from home and can be self-taught, so perhaps that is why Mormon SAHMs specialize in them. But regardless of the form their creativity takes, they doing as President Uchtdorf said, and “[taking] the normal opportunities of … daily life and [creating] something of beauty and helpfulness.”

That’s a wonderful thing.

Don't you let anyone tell you otherwise!

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A Response

Remember this from last week: On Salon this week, in “Why I Can't Stop Reading Mormon Housewife Blogs," Emily Matchar admires the presentation of domesticity on popular “Mormon mommy blogs.”

Here is how the reaction and conversation is going. Thought you'd like a balanced view.

So, you say you like us Mormons, Eh Salon? 
What is happening here? Are we all so unhappy these days that a bunch of upbeat blogs portraying the positives of domesticity are such a freak show? Is it true what Emily said about most mommy blogs, that they "make parenthood seem like a vale of judgment and anxiety, full of words like 'guilt' and 'chaos' and 'BPA-free' and 'episiotomy?'" Are we seeing the backlash of the unhappiness-as-sophistication model?

Mormon, Muslim, Methodist ... spreading the word online

To many viewers, the LDS Church’s “I’m a Mormon” ad blitz seemed hip, refreshing and original.

The campaign, launched last year in nine U.S. cities, generated a lot of national buzz. Its short videos featured regular folks talking about their lives as doctors, skateboarders, tax attorneys, environmentalists, surfers or former felons before announcing that they are Mormons. Nary an Osmond to be seen.

It helped burst stereotypes of the Utah-based Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints by showing individual and diverse members expressing their spirituality.

Turns out, lots of other faiths take a similar tack.

Why I don't keep a mommy blog

While I love writing about lots of other things on this earth and beyond, and while I enjoy peeping at the crafty doings of other moms, I don’t blog about my domestic pursuits because in a world that’s at once as impersonal and voyeuristic as ours, I want the things I do at home to be just for the people I see and touch daily. I don’t want my home life to have a comments button, or ads in the sidebars. 

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"Why I can't stop reading Mormon housewife blogs"

Emily Flinders found  a great article about non-members who love reading blogs written by Mormon housewifes.  It may be interesting to all you bloggers!  Check it out here.

Just Who Blesses Whom?

Orson Scott Card talks about being "blessed with good children" in his latest Mormon Times article, Just Who Blesses Whom?

We hear these words in testimony meetings or in talks: "I'm grateful to have been blessed with such good children."

...We can certainly be grateful to our Father in Heaven for having chosen to send us children who are disposed to do good.

But it's a core doctrine of the church that God did not make them good. If we have good children it is because they have chosen to love the Lord with all their heart, and then to love their fellow children of God.

...We bless their lives when we prepare them and arm them to recognize temptation when it comes, and help them acquire the skills and habits they need to overcome it.

They bless our lives when they heed our teachings even when we aren't there.

Good article...made me think about some of the trite things we say, what we really mean by them, and how they make others feel.

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Lesson: Mothers and Daughters

Teachings for Our Time, by Jill Fairchild

Mothers and Daughters, Elder Ballard

 It is not for you to be led by the women of the world; it is for you to lead the … women of the world, in everything that is praise-worthy, everything that is God-like, everything that is uplifting and … purifying to the children of men.

There is nothing in this world as personal, as nurturing, or as life changing as the influence of a righteous woman.

Silly Women
Today I wish to give you young women some suggestions on how to take full advantage of your relationship with your mother.

It is, unfortunately, all too easy to illustrate the confusion and distortion of womanhood in contemporary society. Immodest, immoral, intemperate women jam the airwaves, monopolize magazines, and slink across movie screens—all while being celebrated by the world.

The Apostle Paul spoke prophetically of “perilous times” that will come in the last days and specifically referenced something that may have seemed particularly perilous to him: “silly women laden with sins, led away with divers lusts” (2 Timothy 3:1, 6).

Popular culture today often makes women look silly, inconsequential, mindless, and powerless. It objectifies them and disrespects them and then suggests that they are able to leave their mark on mankind only by seduction—easily the most pervasively dangerous message the adversary sends to women about themselves.

Role Model
...I urge you not to look to contemporary culture for your role models and mentors. Please look to your faithful mothers for a pattern to follow.

...Love your mother, my young sisters. Respect her. Listen to her. Trust her. She has your best interests at heart. She cares about your eternal safety and happiness. So be kind to her. Be patient with her imperfections, for she has them. We all do.

To Mothers

If the mothers are thrifty, so are their daughters. If the mothers are modest, so are the girls. If the mothers wear flip-flops and other casual clothing to sacrament meeting, so do their daughters. Mothers, your example is extremely important to your daughters—even if they don’t acknowledge it.

... Let me assure you that even when you think your daughter is not listening to a thing you say, she is still learning from you as she watches you to see if your actions match your words. As Ralph Waldo Emerson is believed to have said, “What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say”

Teach your daughters to find joy in nurturing children. This is where their love and talents can have the greatest eternal significance.

Mothers, teach your daughters that a faithful daughter of God avoids the temptation to gossip or judge one another.

...your daughters cannot entirely avoid the blatant sexual messages and enticements that surround them. You need to have frequent, open discussions during which you teach your daughters the truth about these issues.

For example, they need to understand that when they wear clothing that is too tight, too short, or too low cut, they not only can send the wrong message to young men with whom they associate, but they also perpetuate in their own minds the fallacy that a woman’s value is dependent solely upon her sensual appeal. This never has been nor will it ever be within the righteous definition of a faithful daughter of God. They need to hear this—clearly and repeatedly—from your lips, and they need to see it modeled correctly and consistently in your own personal standards of dress, grooming, and modest living.

Teach your daughters about things of the Spirit. Point them to the scriptures. Give them experiences that will help them cherish the blessing of priesthood power in their lives.

May God bless us to teach, nurture, and prepare one another within the walls of our homes for the great work that must be done by all of us now and in the future is my prayer in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, amen.

Motherhood: An Eternal Partnership

Very touching...enjoy!

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland shares an encouraging tribute to mothers who, through both challenges and accomplishments, work in partnership with God to raise His children. Read the entire talk here.

Video: The Remarkable Women of God

In keeping with our theme of honoring the mother in all of us this month:

“When the real history of mankind is fully disclosed, will it feature the echoes of gunfire or the shaping sound of lullabies? The great armistices made by military men or the peacemaking of women in homes and in neighborhoods? Will what happened in cradles and kitchens prove to be more controlling than what happened in congresses? When the surf of the centuries has made the great pyramids so much sand, the everlasting family will still be standing, because it is a celestial institution, formed outside telestial time. The women of God know this.” -Elder Neal A. Maxwell, 1978 April General Conference



Let us all resolve to do what we can to strengthen families and homes.

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Get a Single's Perspective

The May theme is “mothering”, not mothers, not married women, not angel mothers, but mothering meaning caring deeply about another person and wanting to be there for them. Tapping into those feelings of compassion, friendship, and love and belonging that we all need and that we can provide. That is at the heart of what Relief Society is or can be.

So with that in mind I've been looking for insightful writings that will help us all. This one on being single was particularly insightful.

In this post titled All the Single Ladies there are many comments about the ups and downs of being single in the church. It made my heart hurt.

Why aren't we all a little more sensitive to one another, woman to woman, and caring for one another, being the friend or even the mother we all need?

I know that I have (usually innocently) said things that hurt others, without thinking. I could kick myself. This post reminds me, and us, to be more sensitive. Do read the comments too and see a new perspective.

One comment (#28) in particular was very helpful and hopeful. Let me know what you think about the whole Single Ladies comments or about this one in particular.

I was married older than the normal Mormon age. In fact I left BYU *gasp* unmarried. Honestly… husband hunting like all the girls in my freshman year… was so not for me. I was too busy pursuing education for a career. I also found bribing boys with plates of chocolate chip cookies…a bit degrading. I thought the boys should be bringing me cookies. ;-)

When I finally did get married – my hubby and I were in a ward labeled “newlywed” and “nearly dead”. We had a lot of women in the ward who were very young, didn’t graduate school, and had a litter of kids running around. I was working in a career with no kids at the time…and felt completely out of place.

While this doesn’t even compare to the loneliness of being single… I discovered that if I was honest, I felt superior to those women with my degree, my business trips and my freedom sans kids.

At the same time I would complain how they weren’t inclusive, didn’t know what to talk about except diapers, ignorant, etc. etc.

Then I discovered… the tried and true action I have had to repeat over and over… I had to reach out first. Once I started doing that… things opened up…maybe not with everyone, but with a few choice women I still adore.

It doesn’t matter if we’re married, single, widowed, grandmas… we can all get together for girls night out – dinner, movie, book group. I have friends of all ages, sizes, ethnicities and situations in life. I actually prefer people who are not my age, not in my same situations because I am able to learn MORE from them.

Now that I have children, I work hard at making sure my conversations are filled with more than just the stuff of kids. Don’t get me wrong…I can babble all day long about my girls – BUT I also like to talk about other things…and I admit, it is hard to find women like that.

I also think if we’re preoccupied with one aspect of who we are–we lose the opportunity to let ourselves define who we are. Sure I’m a mom, a wife, a friend…yada yada – but I am a woman first…and that means I create who I am, I decide my attitude, my reach or my stumbling blocks.

I’ve moved into wards where no one reaches out… so I find that my role in life is to be that new person that reaches out…and then continue to be the old person that reaches out…it’s my lot in life.

I miss Sheri Dew… I miss the example she was for all of us… not as a single woman – but as a strong woman with purpose, struggles and faith. She’s the kind of woman I want to hang out with…

QueenScarlett

Yes, let's reach out to one another.

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Article: A Natural Woman

This is perfect reading for Mother's Day! 

Arm yourself with a little truth to stave off the M-day blues...

I’m glad I’m a woman. I’m glad I’m a wife. I’m glad I’m a mother. I’m glad I’m a Mormon. In fact, my Mormon-woman-wife-and-motherness is the core of my personal identity, and I recognize it as the source of my greatest blessings and opportunities for growth in this life. I am not, however, a perfect Mormon-wife-and-mother (gasp!). And any Mormon-wives-and-mothers out there reading this post? Neither are you (double gasp!).

Seriously, we’ve got issues, don’t we? We’re lazy and whiny and angry and lustful and controlling and jealous and aggressive and mean and petty and occasionally even faithless. We yell at our kids. We choose going to the movies over going to the temple. We give our husbands the silent treatment. We walk out of the grocery store in the rain with three kinds clinging to the cart, and when we realize that we forgot to have the cashier scan the 12-pack of Diet Coke, we don’t go back inside and pay for it.

And these examples are just the small things.

I don’t mention all this because I want to revel in our faults or air our dirty laundry. I’m saying it because it’s true, and as the old saying goes, the truth will set you free.

As Mormon women, we’re all familiar with the lady I like to call the Angel Mother Straight from Heaven (HT Coventry Patmore and Virginia Woolf). When I was a younger mom, the mythology of the Angel Mother filled me with a kind of numb despair. Mormon women are “naturally” inclined to want to stay home and nurture their children (so who’s this mother of two children under two sitting at the window sobbing jealous tears as her husband goes off to grad school?). Mormon women are “naturally” patient (so who’s this lady rampaging through the house when her son can’t find his soccer shoes?). Mormon women are “naturally” spiritual (so who’s this woman lying in bed reading Margaret Atwood’s A Handmaid’s Tale while her husband reads his scriptures?).

Thankfully, as time has passed, this mythology has held less and less sway over the way I see myself, for the simple reason that I’ve lived long enough now, and known enough Mormon women, to realize that none of us is the Angel Mother....

Read the whole article, by Angela, on Segullah. You'll be glad you did.

Thanks to Em for passing this link along to us.

Photo credit